nina turns 40

cB is back in town, and, as you might have guessed from the previous post, the discussion got pretty serious last night. But mostly I feel pretty good about things. It was great to see him and hang out again, and when it gets right down to it I have a lot of faith in myself. I've learned a lot from my mistakes. I feel ready to face certain challenges and make certain commitments that I've never been quite up to before. I think parenthood has matured me a lot, plus, you just get to a point in your life when you're done goofing around and you know what you want.

When someone has been hurt, when he's carrying around the scars formed by two failed marriages (like me) and is still in the midst of an ugly divorce, how do you convince him that you don't want to take anything away from him; how can you assure him that your heart is true? I wish I had the words. I wish that words were enough. Because I need him to have faith in us, to open up to me, to believe it when I tell him I don't want anything from him but his love.

It's the kidlet's fourth birthday today. He's all kid now, no baby left. I'm surprised by how much life with him is like life with an adult--another person's wishes, tastes, habits and dirty clothes to deal with. I wonder if other parents are faking it as much as I am. Does everybody really know what they're doing, or are they making it up as they go? I find that I really can't fall back on the traditional sorts of authoritarian answers with him--he's too smart and too resistant to that way of parenting. He wants and deserves real, thought out logic for the decisions I'm making. Most of the time I enjoy this challenge, it really keeps me on my toes and helps me to grow, but sometimes I just get so exhausted that I long for the ease of a "because I said so!" Thank god for Hip Mama and the newly discovered Brain,Child for giving me a sense of a larger community of like minded moms.

I really thought I would post something while in Hawaii, I saw no reason why I wouldn't. I guess I wasn't counting on having quite so much fun or experiencing so many new things. Kona is a magical place, and I found my coffee nirvana: an open air coffee shop right on the Pacific, where I sat with my cup of Mountain Harvest, my journal, and (finally) The Corrections and whiled away an hour or so every morning in bliss. That's really why I didn't blog--I had a vacation fling with an old lover, my journal. I also didn't read much of the huge stack of New Yorkers that I lugged those 2500 miles. Being a single mom requires that things be quick and easy: blogs and magazines. Being on vacation gives you the leisure to sit around and read a big fat novel and write things with a pen in a book. Stay tuned for more on my coffee adventures in Kona...

My parents are celebrating their 45th anniversary this week--hence the family trip to Hawaii. Got me thinking about marriage, which has actually been on my mind anyway for other reasons. My usual thought about it? That it's a dying institution, a social construct that has lost its usefulness, and we're already seeing the ramifications thereof: high divorce rate, people forming alternate sorts of unions, etc. There have been times when I've concluded that marriage simply isn't for me. I've tried it (twice), hasn't worked for me at all. But then you fall in love and your perspective changes again. The urge for people (me) to form strong, long lasting bonds is undeniable; the quest for intimacy isn't going to change. And of course I AM a believer in true love. No matter what kinda long strange trip it takes to get there.

We leave early tomorrow, and no, I'm not ready. Not packed, not even all the laundry done. The kidlet wanted to know why we weren't sleeping in hawaii last night. His whole concept of time is still forming: yesterday is any time previous to the present moment, be it yesterday, last week, or when he was a baby. Tomorrow works the same way. Meanwhile, I stay up too late writing long rambling emails to cB, whom I've barely seen the last two weeks, and won't see again for a couple more--my attempt to feel close to him during this odd time of semi-separation. Instead I'm simply reminded of the limitations of this medium.

My housemate asked me what i'm going to do when i'm in hawaii next week (my first time--can't wait!), and was appalled when I answered I planned to pack all of the New Yorkers that have been piling up around my room and read them. "You're going to be in Hawaii and all you're going to do is read the New Yorker?" Well, yeah, I can't help it if that's my idea of a good vacation. Of course I WILL be reading it on the beach, flowers in my hair, coconut shells for a bra, and disgustingly sweet alcoholic drinks in my hand if that makes it more hawaiian for ya. I also plan to be on the hunt for exotic botanicals for cB, and check out some of the festivities going on for the Chinese New Year Block Party.