nina turns 40

One of the weird things about cB being out of town (and on the mountian) is not getting emails from him. It's our main form of communication when we're apart, much more so than the phone. Besides using email as a way to talk to each other, we also constantly send craigslist posts or funny links, keeping each other updated on what's interesting that day on the web. It's a nice way to break up my work day, and I realize now how much I rely on it as a way to feel connected to him. If I'm lucky, I may get sent some fotos taken on Rainier by his beloved Nokia 3650 camera phone.

The gorgeous Costa Rican bike messenger talked with me in Spanish for quite awhile today. He surprised me by remembering my name from the few times he's had me sign for stuff. It was a real treat because I hardly ever get to talk in spanish anymore, and it's nice to have some male attention when I've been feeling kind of blue--even if it is of the polite and friendly variety instead of the flirtatious kind.

I'm a chocolate freak. The darker, the better. Don't even show it to me if it's under 65%. But even I think this is a bit much. Sorry, but I don't want to walk around smelling like food, even a food as delectable and complex as chocolate.

I love this picture (taken by cB) for the enigmatic look on her face, and the touch of sadness in her eyes. Just what is she thinking? Fits well into how the last couple of days have been for me: me wishing I could get inside someone else's head and know just what they're thinking. I'm pretty sure if I'm quiet for a minute (not likely), sit back, wait and pay close attention, I might be able to figure it out.

I've got a sore throat. damn damn hell. The kidlet had a nasty cough last week, so maybe I'm getting that. I have absolutely no sick time left at work, which is weird. Before becoming a mom I never used any sick time. I worked up until the day before the kidlet was born, and never missed a day, even though I worked with food, and during the first trimester I was constantly nauseous. Now, the combination of being bored out of my skull at work, and a single mom with a kidlet at preschool has made taking sick days a necessity. Adding to the fun at work is a new spreadsheet that I must fill out daily documenting what I'm up to. I'm verrrry tempted to put entries like: looked on internet for new job, or updated my resume and printed out 25 copies on the company's good bond paper. I'd better have the next job lined up before I pull a stunt like that, however.

I'm trying this new gadget that's supposed to let me blog even from my antiquated system at work. So, if weird things start appearing, it's due to that, and I'll fix it as soon as I get home.

Dating with kids is so complicated. Trying to get serious with kids is even more so. Is it possible for us all to live together in relative harmony? I think probably, with patience and effort on everyone's part, yes. This relationship is too important to me to think otherwise. Then again we may have to come up with some creative solutions. Whatever it takes, as far as I'm concerned. cB is soon to embark on his annual trek up Mt. Rainier. I think it's pretty cool that he's been doing this for 15 years give or take. The kidlet and I are heading to Sequim for a big family reunion. I can't wait to see my sister, and it will be fun to see some of the folks that I haven't for many years. It will probably be the last time I see my great aunt E.

And finally, it's been sunny for so many days in a row that it's getting smoggy, and it's pretty gross. I'm a true Seattleite cuz I sure do miss the rain.

Looks like I won't see much of cB until Labor Day or so. In the overall scheme of things I realize that it's not that big of a deal, but in the smaller world of my life right now, it's got me quite bummed. It highlights for me how much my world already revolves around him, how central he is to my sense of well being. I'm not sure what to make of this. My normal way of being in a realtionship is to hold back a little, to not give myself over so completely--there's always a stubborn independence streak there. But everything about my relationship with cB is so different from the norm. I often feel pretty vulnerable. Plus, there's an element of envy thrown in. I want to be the one going on long mountain hikes, and taking trips with the kidlet. It always sucks to be the one back home, waiting. Don't worry too much about me, though. I haven't completely forgotten how to entertain myself.

Had a dream last night about a man who I used to compare all others to. I knew him in high school, dated him for a few months at the end of my senior year, and fell madly in love with him. I always knew my feelings weren't reciprocated, and it had a huge effect on my 17 yr. old self esteem. We stayed in touch over the years, and I carried a torch forever. I used to tell my mom, nobody else even comes close, and it was true. He had a combination of qualities that I admired and adored, and found out were extremely hard to find. He moved to Denmark, then later to Beijing, lost his wife when his children were very young, met and married a single mom after several years of being on his own, wrote, travelled, took pictures, lived a very full life. He was in town during our 20th high school reunion, and my heart did a little leap when I saw him there. He was always aware that I still harbored feelings for him, but he never quite understood it. Part of what made meeting and falling for cB such a significant thing for me was that I'd finally found a man who I wouldn't "trade in" for Greg. After more than 20 years, I found someone who had all those qualities that so enchanted me, and not only that, this time it was mutual. Pretty heady stuff. It's been a couple of years since I've heard from him, and the latest email address I had has turned out to be a dud. I do hope we can get back in touch, if nothing else, to let him know that he no longer has the burden of my pining heart.

The kidlet's dad is out of town this weekend, so he's all mine. Right now we're cleaning the apartment, still haven't decided what's in store for later. Last night we went to Richmond Beach to celebrate C's birthday. He got dirtier than I've ever seen him during his short life. He had a blast, of course, and he even ate a sizeable piece of salmon (as did his mommy). He's helping me empty the dishwasher now, putting away the silverware. I love his enthusiasm for assisting with the domestic chores, and plan to take full advantage of it while it lasts.

File this under unexpected sweet things that cB does:

took my old beat up bike out of the garage and got it fixed. haven't been on that thing since well before the kidlet was born and he's coming up on five. cB promises he'll be gentle on me when we get out on the road, but somehow, I don't quite believe him. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to going for a ride, AND getting into better shape, cuz about the only way I'm ever gonna get cB to go to Italy or Spain with me is if I abandon my usual rail pass way of travel and cruise through wine country on a bicycle.

I'm at someone else's desk with a better computer, so i can blog from work today. Which is a good thing since I'm going crazy with boredom. Almost no one is here today, and it just feels like we should shut the place down and go home. So, they've finally come up with a demographic that fits me pretty well: LOHAS. While I find it pathetic that everything has to be categorized for easier advertising, I am glad that people are paying attention to those of us that value things like sustainable energy and organic food. Gonna pay even more attention to where my dollars go.

Friday, sunday, monday, and wednesday I spent the night with cB. Does it make me miss him less when I know I won't sleep with him tonight? No. It's where I want to be. I'm so relaxed and comfortable at his house, always have been, whether it was his old apartment, or the current rental house. I have very fond memories of that apartment. It's where we fell in love. Made thanksgiving dinner together, looked through Andy Goldsworthy books, drank a lot of coffee and a certain amount of vodka, and started to figure out that what we have together is the real thing, and that we've both been wanting it for a long time. And yeah, i could be bloggin about Hussein's sons, or the new blowjob technique over at erosblog, but the biggest thing in my life right now, the thing that is causing the most change, that is affecting a real transformation in my future, is my relationship with jerry--second only to motherhood. So, that's what I'm gonna write about.

Things I Love:

chocolate ice cream
the sound of my son's voice
getting emails from cB
cool and fruity vodka drinks
sitting on fresh green grass
a well told story
the way green and purple look together
road trips
speaking spanish
maps
the smell of roasting coffee
days off from work
rosemary
kisses
watching the kidlet when he's asleep
sleeping next to cB
being on the water
hanging out with my mom
text messages on my cell phone
a new journal
spicy red wine
looking for the perfect place to buy land with cB
hugging the kidlet good bye every morning
long talks with my friend s.
cooking with my sister

Today when I walked out to my car, who was there waiting for me, but cB? What a great surprise. Unfortunately, he was just between errands, and could only stay for some quick hugs and kisses, but there's nothing better than getting to see him when I'm not expecting it.

On Saturday, cB and I went our separate ways, he to an open house at the yurt, and I to a party for the kidlet's class at school. It felt weird to be doing such family oriented things without him, but the kidlet had a blast running around with all his school buddies, and it's always fun to get to know some of the other parents. I love that school for many reasons, not the least of which being the sheer diversity of families that attend. There is every possible combination of parents and kids, from traditional mommy and daddy families, to two mommy families, single parent families, kids that have been adopted, kids with parents of different colors, older parents, pretty much anything you could imagine. It's wonderful. Then on Sunday, the kidlet went to his dad's, and I had a couple of precious hours to hang out with cB, just the two of us. Those times seem to be getting harder to come by--the summer is so full of activities, and for him, trips.

Home with the kidlet today who is coughing loudly and often enough to wake the dead, or at least his poor mommy. cB and I may have found the perfect BC island retreat for ourselves. You know, the kind of place where a couple of old(ish) hippies would feel at home with a dome cabin, a hammock, and a bath house. Then if we can raise hazelnuts and bees, make something crafty to sell to the tourists, have a couple of apple trees and maybe some kayaks (of course there'll be bikes), I think we'll be pretty much in heaven. Ah, the joys of a true partner.

I'll admit it: I'm much more saddened by the deaths this week of Celia Cruz and Compay Segundo than I was about Barry White. I guess it's all a matter of what you've danced to, what music has been there during important times of your life. And Cuban music has always moved me. One of the main reasons I answered cB's ad? He said he liked Los Van Van.

Que descansen en paz.

Here is a running joke that cB and I have about the reality of love: men never really love you, they just want to fuck you. when they are tired of fucking you, they dump you for a younger, cuter woman. Women never really love you, they just want your stuff. they pretend to love you, just so they can have your money and possessions. Of course, we were discussing this while laying in each others arms, feeling every bit like we'd found true love, but don't let that soften the harsh truth.

wow. not being able to blog from work is sure affecting my posting. i'm often so tired in the evenings that i'm barely coherent (and certainly don't feel like doing anything so radical as hitting the shift button). it's not necessarily that there's nothing on my mind, it's just something that's difficult for me to blog about. let's just say that sometimes, yes, timing is everything, and some lessons ya gotta keep learning over and over again, no matter how painful they might be.

Sunday evening blues have descended once again. Feel pretty frustrated on a couple of different levels. It's good to have the kidlet home again, though. I missed him when he went to his dad's this time. After seeing The Italian Job last night, I of course now want a Mini.

cB and I have pretty much decided it's inevitable that someday, we're moving to Canada.

Took the kidlet to the doctor today. Took forever, from driving around and around and around the parking lot, to waiting in line, to sitting in the waiting room, but the kidlet is healthy (if skinny as all get out), and he was very brave while getting three immunizations. I think I get more upset when the needles come out than he does. Part of my desire to learn acupuncture--get over that fear.

I baked halibut in butter, garlic, lemon, and dill last night, and it was so delicious even the kidlet gobbled his up. I wish I had the energy/inspiration to cook like that every night. It always helps to have another grown up around besides me, and yes, cB gobbled up his as well. Speaking of meals with cB, we've yet to have a really good meal in Vancouver. Partly, I think, because that's never been our goal, though, interestingly enough we pop into every grocery store or market that we see. We inevitably end up back in our room with cheese, fruit, wine and other deli treats, planning on having just a "snack", and then going out for real dinner later. Somehow we never make it back out again. Wonder why.

cB gave me the key to his house today. A natural progression, sure, but significant nonetheless. I like the level of trust and commitment that it implies.

Canada is a great place to be over the 4th of July. Ever since 911 the nationalism patriotism has been a bit much for a global kinda girl like me, and I'm not fond of unexpected loud noises going off at all hours, so heading up to Vancouver was the perfect escape. The thing about traveling with cB is that it doesn't seem to matter where we go or what we do, we just have such a wonderful time. We enjoy each other's company, we're both natural born explorers, we can both easily go with the flow of whatever the road brings us, and we laugh a lot. There's always some great discovery (a fountain flowing with natural spring water there for the people), some quirky thing that happens that cracks us up (do you see any birds?), and some interesting people to talk to along the way. We bought three bottles of BC wine, didn't find the perfect spot for the isocabin, sat under the dome at the Bloedel Conservatory, noshed on goat cheese and a suprisingly good red sparkling wine, drank mojitos in Yaletown, saw lots of film crews, got stuck in horrific traffic, and actually saw the sun shine in Vancouver (I was beginning to think it never did). Great trip. Now back to the grind. Oh, and if you want to see pictures, you'll have to check out JCO because some little girl forgot her camera.

The kidlet and I made pancakes for dinner. He was whining on the way home about how being at home is so boring and so in the interest of convincing him that hanging out at home can be fun, we made pancakes. We both just scarfed a big plate of them. How much you wanna bet he asks to make 'em every night now?

So, the last time cB and I went to Canada I spent a good half an hour rummaging around my bedroom looking for my passport. So you'd think when I got home I'd put it somewhere easy to find for the next trip. Right? umm, guess not. Granted, I did move since then, but still. Where the heck is it? I've already looked in all the easy places. Go ahead let me have it, I deserve it.

Addendum: I just found it! I just found it! While I was chastising myself, I had a bit of inspiration, and sure enough, I'd left it in the glove compartment of my car. See, I'm not completely hopeless.

I can't blog from work anymore, and I can see it's putting a serious damper on my posting. Plus, there's just not much going on. I go to work, I pick up the kidlet, sometimes we go to the park, sometimes we just come home. He plays computer games or watches a DVD, I make dinner and "do my email" which is kidlet speak for anything I do on the computer. The routines of life. On a slightly more exciting note, cB and I are planning a little getaway for the long weekend.