nina turns 40

Though I don't think that this is the most effective form of activism, it does make me smile.

The kidlet will go to his daddy's house tomorrow morning and I won't pick him up until sometime monday afternoon. Upon reflection, this seems like a very long time. I'm actually glad that he's getting to spend a good long stretch with his dad, but I know I'll get lonely. I'll probably go hang out at Bumbershoot and just might catch a movie. Maybe I'll even go shake my groove thang somewhere. yeah, yeah, I should probably work on my resume too.

I'm no fan of Starbucks or corporate coffee, but I will say that their Gazebo Blend is always quite delicious. African coffees are my favorite. And now that Peet's is in town, I look forward to trying out more of their beans. I see they have an African blend they're roasting up for summer as well. A taste off is in order.

And while we're talking about coffee...I drive by one of those sidewalk espresso carts every morning, and I can't help but think what a cool gig it would be to own one of those. As long as you had a good spot, and protection from the weather, it would be great fun to hang out and serve (drink) coffee all day, and bullshit with people and just generally goof around and enjoy being a part of the city instead of cooped up in a box high above it.

Walked around the neighborhood after dinner last night, and took the kidlet to the park at the elementary school. Felt really good to be outside in the evening, to watch the sky darken and the clouds turn color, to smell all the night time smells. The days are definitely getting shorter.

I just wrote a check to my lawyer that's worth more than my car. Is it any wonder I put this off for so long? But as cB likes to say, why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it. I am already planning the celebration for when this is finally over.

OH, and speaking of the kidlet. Don't dare tell him he looks cute. "No, mommy," he says, "I'm cool."

With both cB and best girl S. out of town this week, it means a distinct lack of folks to talk to around here. Which seems to be leading to more blog posts. On the upside, I'm glad to be goofing around with the kidlet again. He's happy to be back at school where he'll soon be entering the Pre-K class. He wants to cook some more stuff after school today. Let's see if we can expand our culinary horizons beyond pancakes...

I finally got around to permanently linking to Life in the Pink. Go read this blog. Now. It's funny, and brave, and entertaining, and all those things you read a blog for. Now go.

damn i feel all out of sorts. i feel all pre-menstrual when i'm post- and i just wanna scream. i mean really scream. how long has it been since you've just let a big scream rip out of your lungs? i remember the last time i really screamed. it was when i thought i was in love with a married man. nobody was home in the big old house i used to share on capitol hill. the kidlet must have been asleep. or maybe at his daddys. but i just screamed as loud as i could because i was so bereaved over the fact that his guy was married and i couldn't have him. it was scary to scream that loud. you forget that you can make that much noise. it was wonderful, too, so nice to break the rules for once, to behave utterly like an animal, or a child.

well, it's not unrequited love that's got me in a funk now. it's the more mundane, trapped feeling that i have because of my job at eVil corporation. i really don't see a way out. the economy sucks. other admin type jobs usually pay less than i'm making now and would be just as miserable. i want a big ol' change, and it's hard to take the risks that big ol' changes involve when you're responsible for a four year old. fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

after spending so much time with cB last week, i realize that what i miss the most now is the affection.

why is it that when we don't have to get up the next day, the kidlet sleeps soundly, but when the alarm is set for six, he wakes up not once, but twice in the night? is it some sort of special torture to make monday even that much more miserable? feeling really sad this morning. the whole world seems so irretrievably messed up. i feel stuck and powerless. and i can't find my copy of the Tao, which is where I usually go when i'm feeling this way.

Some people just seem to be blessed. They are smarter, and better looking than everyone else, and things seem to fall into their laps--life seems easier for them somehow. This used to really bug me until I realized that it was only an illusion. I had a friend like that, whose life seemed so perfect and untroubled for many years. Then his wife died just past forty leaving him with two small children to raise on his own, and I realized that nobody's life is as easy as it might look from the outside. Then on the ferry the other day I was reading the latest National Geographic's article on slavery in the 21st century, and I realized how fucked up it was for me to ever feel anything other than blessed. Which of course led to further thoughts about human suffering in general and my place in the world. Have reached no conclusions about either.

Hanging out in Sequim with the kidlet. Was gonna drive home tonight, but the day got later and later, so we decided to bake chocolate chip cookies instead, and we'll wake up early and zoom home tomorrow so he can spend the day with his daddy. I must confess that part of the reason I want to stay is to take a super hot bath in my parents' gargantuan tub. I resolve to never live in a house with a crappy tub again. My folks are boating along the coast of Vancouver Island with some family friends. Had drinks on the boat last night. Forty feet, two berths, very comfortable, and appears to be a lot of fun. Fuels my fantasy of a live aboard.

The kidlet just bonked his head on the corner of the slide out keyboard tray. Hugs are in order...

Yesterday was full of surprises, some good and some bad. The bad one had to do with my lawyer and finances. Still don't know how that one will play out.

After almost a week of no kidlet, I go up to Sequim today to pick him up. I can't wait to see him, but I'm wondering if I even remember how to do this mommy thing. I've been so decadent of late, sleeping in, going out to dinner, hanging out and--ooooh scandalous--reading. I've also been eating well--sushi last night at a small crowded (it seems all the good sushi restaurants in Seattle are crowded) place in West Seattle. Then I made my first attempt at making a berry cobbler for cB. I won't go into all the goofy reasons why I made cobbler, but anyway, I plan to make a lot more of them, and to get better. Nothing frustrates me more than cooking something that doesn't turn out the way I want it to.

With cB gone this next week, it'll give me time to focus on a few issues that are perpetually on my mind these days. If you've been paying attention at all, I bet you can hazard a guess what they might be.

Back to work after a four day weekend. Had the great hike with S., and then a quick trip to Sequim to visit my folks and the kidlet, and finally, some time to reconnect with cB. We really needed a chance to be alone together for awhile, to kind of remember, oh yeah, this is why we're doing this. There's always such an ease to our time spent together, we truly are compatible on so many levels, and I just enjoy it so much. We never did get the hammock hung, though.

As always, it's kind of weird when the kidlet is gone for any length of time. On the one hand, it's great to have some free time, but I always have this nagging feeling that I'm forgetting something, or not doing something I should.

Lastly, in my never ending quest for good Mexican food, let me say that Peso's on Lower Queen Anne has fabulous iron work on the windows and doors, decent enough margaritas, delicious shrimp and corn chowder and way too much cumin in everything else. Plus the salsa was lousy. Don't serve me chips and salsa if the salsa isn't even any good. And one more food note: went back to Vivace after not being there for way too long, and once again I'm convinced it's by far the best damn coffee in Seattle. I can never have just one. The consistency and quality is just far superior to anything else in the city. And believe me, I drink a lot of coffee in this town.

There's nothing better than a Monday morning when you don't have to go to work. The fact that it's gorgeous out doesn't hurt either.

S. and I drove up to Mt. Rainier early on Saturday morning. It got so foggy that we couldn't see anything except to notice that there wasn't any guardrail, and we were up very high. We found the trailhead, or so we thought, and parked. Off we went into the mist, only to end up circumnavigating a small lake to arrive back at the parking lot. Back to the book, where we realized the maps we had were lame, and the true start of our hike was just a bit further up the road. The fog wasn't helping our sense of disorientation. Finally, we started off on the real trail (Naches Loop), and as we rounded a corner the sky opened up and we saw some of those breathtaking alpine views we'd been longing for. It was an easy walk, which is good considering how sedentary i've been this summer. It got foggy again about halfway through, but much to our delight, there were wild blueberries low to the ground along the trail, which we happily picked and ate, slowing our progress. Even the not quite ripe ones were tart-sweet and delicious. We ate lunch on a rock and watched the mist roll in and out. Driving down the mountain was sunny and perfect, and we could finally see the big girl herself for the first time all day. Stopped off at the White River campground and splashed around the riverbank a bit before coming home. A great day, and only the third time since our kids were born that S. and I have spent any time alone together.

Fox News Cannel can kiss my fair and balanced ass!

I'm a Libra, so of course I'm fair and balanced. Wanna know what the heck I'm talking about? go here.

Saw Real Women Have Curves the other night. The kidlet got a big kick out of it because the people on it were speaking English and Espanol, just like he does. And while I love a small, independent movie about a smart, independant woman who loves her curvy body, i can't help wishing that it was a little bit better. The older characters were wonderful, the melodramatic mom who, when starting menopause thinks she is, instead, pregnant; the sweet abuelo who seems to be the only one to believe in her, and helps her sneak out to see her boyfriend, but Ana herself is rather flat. She's supposed to be smart enough to have won a full scholarship to Columbia, but she shows very little in the way of intelligence or wit during the course of the movie. Mostly she just acts teenager-ish, rolling her eyes and sighing at the idiocy of the adults in her life. And the plot is utterly predictable. It's worth seeing for nothing else but the scene in the sweatshop where the women strip down to their underwear and compare cellulite. How refreshing to see real womanly flesh on the screen. Viva the curves!

had no internet access at work today for most of the day, and may not tomorrow either. it was horrible. made me realize how much i use it during the day. yeah, sometimes i actually use it for work.

The Times had a good article on Pho today. Makes me want to visit Viet Nam. It's been on the list for awhile. All of SE Asia, in fact, intrigues me.

S. and I are planning our hike on Rainier for this Sat. Well, she's doing most of the planning, as she's got some books. But i have the self proclaimed rainier expert, you know, the one who says he knows more about the park and mountain than most of the rangers. And no, it's no surprise that i segued from places i want to travel to thinking about my friend s--my original travel partner. So we're not traipsing around Latin America anymore, but we can still sneak off for a day hike every now and then. I wouldn't be surprised to be eating Pho with her in Hanoi when our kids are in college.

met with a lawyer yesterday. she wants a shockingly large sum of money up front. gonna have to borrow to pay for this. and i'll be indebted to more than just the bank. i can't seem to do anything quite right around this relationship. it's frustrating to be dealing with this when there are so many other places i'd rather be focusing my energy and finances. should it really be so difficult to become unmarried? and all of it just hurts. even though it was my decision to leave, and even after all this time, and with the prospect of a bright future ahead with cB, it still hurts. and that is the most frustrating part of all.

So we didn't even get the hammock strung up, much less have wild passionate, swinging by the rafters sex in it. that's what i get for jumping ahead of myself. but i did see cB's oldest son in a production of Footlose twice over the course of the weekend, and my kidelt's dad actually bought him some clothes. don't laugh, he hasn't done that (or given any other kind of finanacial support) for i'd say at least two years. and i've got a lawyer's appointment tomorrow. i can't wait until this is over.

I feel like my blog entries have been really boring of late. I could always write more about sex. Which, actually, I'd like to do, but I struggle with a lot of issues over that one. For one thing, there are a lot of good sex blogs out there, and I can't, nor do I want to, compete with them. For another, many of the folks who read this blog probably don't want to know too much about my sex life. I go back and forth a lot over how much of what I write should be tailored to the people that I know are reading this. I'd like to be able to write about anything and everything in my life, and sex is surely a part of that. And finally, afer many years and a lot of fits and starts, I'm starting to really feel comfortable with my sexuality. It's one of the advantages of getting older. So while I'm thinking about what I may or may not share, why not go over and check out sweetness follows. Never knew those Canadians could be so kinky now, didja?

Addendum: I will say this much. cB and i are gonna do it in a hammock tonight. He bought one for his dome and swears up and down that he learned long ago about the logisitics of such a venture. At the very least it'll be interesting.

It's about time I posted a foto on this blog that I took. I like this picture because it shows how much the kidlet looks like his mommy, and it captures the goofball nature of much of our time together. Trying to get organized to get him over to his dad's. Have a bunch of housework (spider elimination) to do, and a couple of things to get wrapped up. Then, of course, I want to play.

Spent some time with S. last night at the park while the kidlets played. She is pregnant and having a rough time of it. Last summer we got together two or three times a week, usually to walk, and this summer we hardly see each other. We are planning a day trip to Rainier in a couple of weeks, and if we're lucky, we can even manage to do it without the kids!

If you are lucky enough to live in Seattle then you must go right away to a restaurant in Belltown called Shallots and order yourself a big old bowl of their hot and sour soup. Now Shallots is not a great restaurant. I've had some really crappy service there, and some very mediocre food, but their hot and sour soup is enough to bring you to your knees. really. i think what makes it so great, besides the wonderful ingredients, is just the right ratio of hot to sour. It's really really sour, and substantially hot, but not blast your sinuses hot. And all the different textures and flavors of the stuff within is just perfect. I've even had folks who are not big fans of tofu eat it in this soup, and thank me afterwards. Not only is it the best hot and sour soup i've ever had, it's probably the best soup of any kind i've ever had. go. run. get some!

I forgot to mention that I bought cB the Lonely Planet guide to biking Italy. It is sooo cool with great maps, and lots of wonderful rides, and I am completely excited about biking in Europe with him.

Spent the last two nights at cB's house. Last night in particular was satsifying since I got there before he did, and made dinner, so that when he got home it was ready, and he was hungry and appreciative. I don't always wanna be the one cooking dinner, but something about being there waiting for him, being part of his sense of home, coupled with the fact that he was so happy to have dinner there made me feel like all was right with the world. Cooking a meal or making coffee for someone is always a gesture I do out of love. And i love the way that conversation flows around a meal. What can I say? I just love being with him, the simplest of experiences are enhanced when I share them with him. Yeah, this girl has got it bad. but it is good.

Oh, and I have an appointment on Monday with a lawyer. That's one sentence I hope to not have to repeat too much in my life. Coincides with an announcement by the kidlet's dad that he wants to spend Christmas with his son this year. Which I can't deny him. But it brings tears to my eyes thinking about a christmas morning without my little one there.

Family reunions are weird. Do i really have a deeper bond with these people than with anyone else? Should I really care that I'm related to them? Some of them are just really interesting wonderful intelligent people, and I'm always happy to see them. And there were so many folks under 20 running around that it was mind boggling--the next generation is coming on strong. It's fun to be surprised by people you don't know that well, like when one branch of the family gathered at my grandmother's and started jamming and singing around the piano, but when you get right down to it, I prefer to interact in smaller groups, and to pick and choose who's gonna be there. The kidlet had a wonderful time with his second and third cousins, and I got a big kick out of all the old family fotos that were gathered. Now, I just want climb into the hot tub, take a nap, and then make sure cB and the rest of the 728 club make it safely down that mountain.